just a small update

Things have been going ok, im doing my best to stay out of trouble and with the help of butterfly kiking until 2 am to talk me through my bad days we are getting there. charlie has been more consistence, but we do still have problems communating with each other. I dont know how to overcome this. anyone have any advice that would help? i may have to end my blog charlie doesnt want me blogging so if it does disapear you know what happen. 

my new friend

Well I did it again, If I dont get what i want or need  I end up throwing a fit and dont know when to shut up, I just keep on and on until I make him so mad. I wait until he goes to work then I text him and he hates texting he wants me to talk to him face to face and I did try but it went no where so I text he cant ingore me then. This time I thought I pushed him to far he said he was done. I was so upset I didnt know what to do, then I got a kik message from butterfky and we kik until 3am she made me feel so much better she gave me lots of advice and i took her advice and texted charlie and told him I was sorry and he said he forgave me. So that was a start, so now what do I do. Im not going to push him anymore, im not even going to mention dd to him im just going to submit and take it one day at a time and the next time I feel like screaming ill be kiking my sister, thanks butterfky. Oh the next day was his night off I waited and waited hoping he would just punish me, well it was 2am before he finaly said anythng and he did punish me hard and again friday he gave me a reminder and a punishment for breaking a rule. I still have not mentioned dd and i wont unless he does first im just going to submit and not push it on him. 

No spanking before coffee

We have been moving all week to another house, so dd has was put on the back burner ,we both been tired and i hurt in places i didnt know i had. We are finally about settled in so last night charlie says the program is back on and ill be getting a reminder in the morning and my weekly mainentence  later that day. He works 3rd shift so when he got home thur morning at 7.30 am  before i had my coffee he followed through with the reminder and a few extra ones he owes me that i have built up so much he decided to just to add licks until i got all that i earned. But anyway   this morning reminder woke me up, there should be a rule no spanking before coffee, i mean come on i was still sleepy. I think it hurt worse than one later in the day, plus i havent had a spanking in a week.  So im protesting for all the tihs no spanking before coffee. 

Lets try this again

Image       No matter how much i try i just cant give up. I get depressed, and upset and cant think about nothing else. When i get upset i end up saying stuff i shouldnt say. I started out just trying to ignoring charlie but he ignored me back and that made me mad, i hate being ignored . So wednesday night when he went to work i started texting him,  i called him  names and said stuff i shouldnt have said. He started ingoring my every text so i called him. He was so mad by then he ended up hanging up on me so i called him back again. After we both calmed down we talked and decided to start this thing all over again. So with new rules in place and promises of sitdowns and communicating here we go again.  He was still mad about the name calling and said so, and told me when he got home i was getting punished.  Yea he kept his word on that, i think that was about the worse spanking ive had. Then was told i was getting a maintenance later on that day and every thursday after that plus reminders every morning until my attitude changes.  So we gonna take this one day at a time and im gonna do my best to have patience with him, and try not to have no more outburst on him. We both want this and i know we can get through this and im not going to top from the bottom but i will go on helping him learn and looking online for information but im not going to overwhelm him. All couples are different and we have to do whats best for us. Only you know your spouse and how their mind works so what works for others might not work for you. So its like im kinda training my hoh ive read more info that he has and have explianed stuff to him . He is not very computer  friendly oh but he sure knows how to go to facebook and play games lol. But other than that hes clueless. I have bookmarked chat and stuck it in his toolbar so he can have easy access to it. He dont even know how to email lol. So i know if i dont help him learn he has no other way.  So you got to do what you think is best to help them learn but without topping from the bottom, if you have to be their coach in the begining i think its ok.  I mean give a man a paddle and tell him to spank you who has never spanked no one in their life and then you will want to give them instructions lol. I learned the hard way lol. But he is learning, we both are, it just take time and they will be ups and downs, thats when you have to use your patience. And it helps to have someone to talk to, I love my chat friends they are very supported. And i have to thank one special friend Bob, he has helped us alot, Thanks Bob for putting up with me.

I give up

Yea it one of thoes i give up days. As you know from my last post im still waiting. Well last night charlie goes to work no mention of the spanking i was suppose to get. And chat last night was about is it ok to use technology to communicate with you spouse. Well i have a hard time doing face to face so i sit here last night and waited until he left and was sure he was at work and i then kik him. I told him he was free that he didnt have to do dd anymore and the game was over and he won. Thats how i feel like he thinks its some big game we playing and he only wants to play when he feels like it. Well to me dd is more than that, when we first started it was more or less all about control and spankings, but since then after researching and chatting with friends i have learned dd is more than that and i want all that goes with dd. How do i make him understand? When i break a rule or disrespect him and he lets it go or threatens me with a spanking then doesnt follow through. We been doing dd for 5 months now and it dont seem to be going nowhere and it leaves me feeling depressed and fustrated. He always has a excuse his latest one is he afraid the neighboor will hear us, well duh we been  doing it 5 months if she hasnt heard by now shes not going to. So do i just give up dd? oh by the way i hide the implements last night also, yea i was mad. I dont know to keep trying or just give up. We really have communation problems. 

ready to scream

As my suggestion i asked charlie to set a bedtime for me, i have been staying up half the night and be sleepy all day and never get anything done around the house. So he set it as 11pm ( didnt think it would be that early)  but ok ill get use to it. So its been about 2 months and i might have got into bed at 11 a couple of times. So i asked him to change it to at least 12 and he agreed, still didnt work so the other night it was past 12 and he was at work and he text me and told me i was grounded because i wasnt in he bed yet, grr how does he know? Then he said ok and also its one lick for each minute you are late, WHAT, and he was counting and i was arguing with him about this new rule in place with no warning, and hes still counting but me and big mouth just cant shut up. So he gets to 60 grr and also he said im getting a maintence also,  ok ok i go to bed .So when he gets home the next morning i waited, and nothing now 2 days later im still waiting. This morning he comes home i was still in the bed, he gets the paddle out and lays down so i thought im about to get spanked. Well next thing i know he getting me up, we have to run a errand, we was gone for a couple of hours so when we got back home i was ready for it. I only had a hour before i had to go pick up our daughter from school. So he goes to the bedroom puts the paddle up and gets into bed, grrrr I know he been up all night and needs to sleep but he has plenty of opportunities to do ttwd. I did peak in the bedroom right before he went to sleep and he says i havent forget. i mumble whatever. And my friends say Patience, Im ready to jump up and down and have a fit. 

Ive always fantasized about being spanked for real, but i would never dare to tell charlie in fear of  him thinking i was crazy. We did start playful bedrooms spankings a few years back, (my ideal of course).  We had been married for 23 years and it had been rocky for some time. We fought all the time, we lived like room mates instead of husband and wife. the love and passion for one another was gone. We did not communicate with each other. I took care of everything, from our 4 kids, to the house, to paying the bills, oh dont get me wrong he worked everyday and brought me his paycheck to pay the bills with. I mostly ran the show at home, i felt it was all my responsibility, even my job i took care of the elderly. I got tired of having to do it all, i wanted my turn, someone to take care of me for a change. Then all at once it all changed, i got laid off of my job that i been on for 10 years, and my dad passed away the same day. Well then i just lost it, thats enough, i couldnt take no more. i packed my bags and left with my baby daughter who was 16, and moved 300 miles away back to my home town. Did i mention it was our 23rd anniversary the day i moved? yeap! After 5 months we decided to give it another try, but i told him he would have to move here if he wanted me, i just refused to leave my mom. It was rough for a little while, we had to live with family he had to find a job. But he did and moved into our own place. He was working nights and i could see thats things still wasnt where i wanted them to be. So summer started and my daughter started staying with my mom and her sister and i started going to work with charlie every night. We was with each other 24/7 and growing closer. I had heard everyone talking about this book 50 shades of grey so i just had to read it lol. I got really interested in spanking then and i knew i then i wanted this, i wanted charlie to dominate me. i started doing research and found something called dd. Really people did this, im not crazy, wow. I got up the nerve to mention it to charlie, still not really sure what it was all about. but i did like the book and wrote a contract lol. I think it humored charlie, he made me sign it, and then it was on. He was a natural, his look, his tone, i was living with christian grey lol not really but i can dream right. We even ordered that awful paddle online he calls holy moly grr i now hate that thing lol. All was going great  I was happier than i have ever been i my life. I fell in love with him like never before. But you know how they say all good things come to a end. About a month before school started my niece came to stay with us for awhile. That meant i had to stay home with the girls. That also meant less time for us. He works all night and sleeps all day and when i say all day i mean 10 to 12 hours grrr not good. He then started slacking, i started getting lonley and depressed and even pushed him more and more. i kept searching online and learning more about this dd stuff. and sent him stuff then i found a chat room with more people who does this, wow who would have known. It was weird at first but these people welcomed me right in. They are very supported. I then kept begging charlie to come chat but he wouldnt do it, he didnt want to talk about ttwd to no one its to weird. Then my niece went home and school started, so now he dont have a excuse to be inconsistent right, so i thought. What happen to my christian grey? Did he think of it as a game? We still not communicating much, He did start chatting and made some good friends who are trying their best to help us. I was even told we are a unique couple lol thanks i think lol. Some days dd is there and some days its not so its frustrating. I keep hearing be patience, im not a patience person, and ive been know to act out if i dont get it my way. One thing i do know as much as ive threatened to quit dd i never want to go back. I need dd.

our new lifestyle